We all want our children to blaze pathways in their lives, to seize the day and bubble over with self-confidence. But some kids shrink into the shadows, paralysed with fear. For the parents of shy kids, this is a difficult reality.
What is shyness anyway? According to Dr Bernardo J. Carducci of the Shyness Research Institute (yes, that’s really a thing!) shyness has three components:
- Excessive self-consciousness - kids are overly aware of themselves, particularly in social situations.
- Excessive negative self-evaluation - kids tend to see themselves negatively.
- Excessive negative self-preoccupation - kids tend to pay too much attention to all the things they are doing wrong when you are around other people.
So what can we, as parents, do to help? Here are some top tips:
- Help kids identify what they are good at and emphasise that. Can they draw? Let them design the front of their school notebooks or a t-shirt so others can admire their talents.
- Get your child to make a list of what they like about themselves. Keep it on the refrigerator door to remind them.
- Help kids interact with others by giving them a list of questions to ask other kids to help keep conversation rolling.
- Music education can be magical. It gives children the opportunity to express themselves differently.
- Prepare them for social situations. Tell your child about the other people they will meet and have a pretend run-through beforehand. When they know what they will experience, at least in part, it may help them to relax.
- When they have a good social experience, write it down so they can review successes and build on them.
- For older kids in middle or high school, remind them that everyone at that age is self-conscious and insecure. Other kids are likely not judging them because they are too worried about themselves.
- Get them involved in clubs, sports or volunteer activities to build their self-confidence. Encourage them to find as many activities as possible to put them into a greater variety of situations so they can develop coping techniques.
- Arrive at school and social events early. Walking into a crowd is always more intimidating than being among the first to arrive and having the crowd build around you.
- Parents of extroverted children can help too: Encourage your kids to step up and be a buddy to the new or quiet kids they encounter. Coach them to be friendly, supportive and not too overbearing.
- Try hard not to judge. This can be the most difficult thing to remember, but our kids are who they are. Do not try to change them or push them to be someone they are not. Gentle support and lots of praise is key.
In a small percentage of cases, extreme shyness can be the sign of a larger problem such as Social Anxiety Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome or even Autism. If you suspect your child’s shyness is excessive or having a severely negative impact on your lives, consult a medical consultant.
With thanks to Heather Long Vandevoorde, Ph.D.