Perhaps you have overheard things like this among the parents of your children’s friends lately: “She used to be so loving, now I’m lucky if she even talks to me…”, “He literally tells me nothing, I have to read his facebook posts to know what’s going on…”, or “She was such a good girl, these days she won’t do a thing I ask”.
You guessed it, you are right smack in the middle of it, the terrible twelves, those deliciously dangerous adolescents who are being visited regularly by the Hormone Fairy and have not yet learned how to tame their emotions. Right in front of you they turn from sweet children to screaming demons attacking with their laser eyes. You thought you had a battle with the terrible two’s? That was just a warm up for the terrible twelves.
How can parents cope with this tween angst, especially since they know the dreaded teenage years are just past the present bump in the road? Here are some tactics to consider:
- Maintain your role as a parent. This is not the time to be their best friend. You must continue to set, and reinforce, the boundaries. You lead the family, not them.
- One mother offers theatrical, but effective advice: “When they start to argue, I pretend I am in a car and I just roll the windows up”.
- Punishments should be appropriate and enforced. Take away the electronics and keep them away for the designated period of time. Giving in mid-way makes them think you always will.
- Barbara, mother of two, says: “Pick your battles. You will quickly lose your sanity if you get upset about every little thing. Be clear that things like disrespect or smoking will not be tolerated but in return you promise to be more lenient with clothing or hairstyle choices”.
- When tempers flair, try to remember you are the adult in the situation. Years of experience under your belt have to count for something. It is ok to step away for a breather. You might even teach your adolescent something about coping with their own temper.
- Lisa has three teens and her advice is simple: “Be firm, fair and funny, stick to the three Fs”.
- The best advice comes from mum, Georgia who reminds us: “Enjoy and celebrate the good times. When things are running smoothly and peacefully, cram as much love into them as you can”.
- While most of your reactions can be lighthearted, remember to keep an eye out for warning signs of disease, depression or alcohol or drug abuse. If there is significant weight or attitude change, you are better safe than sorry taking your adolescent for help.
In the end, parents must remember this phase is vitally important, even if it is unpleasant at times. This is their time to demonstrate their individuality and start to become independent. That is what you have taught them to do, right? You are raising them to be strong and outspoken. We reap what we sow.
With thanks to Heather Long Vandevoorde, Ph.D.