One day, post-baby, the awful truth finally dawns… you still look six months pregnant and you haven't given a second's thought to, erm, 'personal grooming' for ages. Yep, it's time to shape up and reclaim that body of yours!
1. Your darling child - who, let's face it, is the reason once-pert bits of you are now heading south - has developed a new favourite habit of prodding your bottom and yelling, 'Mummy, it's squishy!'at the top of his voice.
2. Your bikini line has extended past even your biggest pants and you're looking half-woman, half-yeti!
3. You've been wearing the same pair of stretchy leggings for weeks now. Go on...get those jeans out and have a go... it may inspire you!
4. Muffin top? Pah! Amateur! You've got double-muffin top, thanks to all those double chocolate ones you've been eating to fuel breastfeeding - never mind that Junior has been on solids for months now. Maybe it's time to eat more of those slow-release energy seeds everyone bangs on about. But just one more muffin first…
5. When you wear a dress, your 3 year old tears herself away from the TV to stare. "Are you getting married, Mummy?" she asks. Bless. Can't blame her, though - the only time she's seen you in a dress is in your wedding photo.
6. Your post-pregnancy boobs appear to be determined to make their acquaintance with your kneecaps. In the press-up bit of your gym class, your instructor barks, "Lower your chest to the floor." But sadly, yours is already there. Right, repeat after me, "I must, I must improve my bust…"
7. Meanwhile, the little treasures have taken to calling you Rhino Foot on account of your less-than-sexy tootsies (makes a change from Poo Poo Head, I suppose). They really know how to make you feel good about yourself, eh? But sounds like it's time to get the pumice stone out.
8. …and while you're at it, you might want to pay some attention to those hands. Ragged nails and scaly mitts are so not a good look.
9. You can't remember the last time you wore make-up (come to think of it, probably on your wedding day along with your posh frock!) and the nearest your hair gets to a deep condition is when you don't quite have to rinse it properly because the baby starts bawling the minute you set foot in the shower.
10. Two words - bingo wings. Two more words - tricep dips. Failing that, if a kaftan's good enough for Jo Brand, it's good enough for us…
Our writer is an exhausted mum-of-two and big fan of Spanx pants.